Saturday 4/11/20
And thus concludes the worst week of my life. Quite a statement at this point.
Note to self: Trust no one, keep going. You are going to have to do this entirely alone. You are not going to have friends, there is no one who is going to be there to talk to you, to give counsel. No one but someone--a vague friend, a stranger, an acquaintance--on the peripheries of your life is going to be able to do anything for you, save get in the way, make this harder, betray, abuse, exploit, drain. You might pick up a useful comment from someone on those peripheries--as today with Vollmer, yesterday with S., Kimball--that helps you get through another day, puts a small gust of wind in the sails, but that's going to be it. Anyone else that you've known, up close, whom you counted on, was not anyone you could count on, as you know, as you know after trying to force it, to make it so, because you have been scared and desperate; it is not so. People cannot see beyond themselves, save very rarely. They are governed by a lack of self-awareness, fear, anger, all of which is projected outward; they don't know what they don't know, there is no empathy, there is no reach, usually, beyond the ken of the simplest forms of existence, which they call something else, a number of different things, but which is what it is; they don't know what they don't know to the degree that they could never begin to know what they don't know, and they are simply not going to be smart enough or strong enough or decent enough or self-aware enough or aware enough to face this, with you, on a daily level, up close to the mouth of the beast. You know that now. They are going to tear you down, or try to, if you are in any kind of proximity with them. Find a way to be strong enough to have no one. For now. When you are out of this situation, when you have arrived at where you are going, you will have different options, and you can begin again with people, and likely better people. You know what you have to do. You know the plan. The plan is sound. Stick with the plan. Have faith that eventually it is going to start paying off and out. You know who you are. No one should ever compromise your surety in who you are, at this point, with what you have come to know, how you have come by it, and if they do, you are culpable in that. Because you have let them.They are not brave enough to do very much, let alone the things you have to do, and they will project their cowardice on you, and call it something else, to dress it up, but you cannot conflate their timidity, their weakness, with a fear that you are erring, an undermining of your own purpose, because this is vastly more complicated, but you have thought everything through for so long. You have walked 3000 miles a year thinking everything through. Forty days and nights? Child's stuff. You have been in hell for a long time, and you know the world, you know people, you know the people you've known in ways they never could. And you know the reason for every single move you make. You know every single thing about the person you are and the artist you are. Let nothing come between you and where you are going. Find a way to get strong enough to do this on your own, without a single person to turn to, because you don't have that and you are not going to. No weakness, no mercy, no stopping. Understood?
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